Big Rowan Ackison (greensh) wrote,
Big Rowan Ackison
greensh

  • Mood:

Medication Question

I have a question for my LJ friends that have struggled with depression. I butt my head against this insidious force that comes and goes. The contrasts are really strange. I am consumed when depressed and hardly remember what it feels like when I am not depressed. This is a good thing. Memory of depression would probably be as bad as the real thing.

Here is my question... how/when/where does a person decide to embrace medication? I struggle with this question because I have my good and bad days. The bad days have identifiable causes, or so I think. There seem to be stressors in my life that turn up the depression volume. Many of the stressors are temporary or of my own making. I know this because the stressors melt away when they are removed/transformed/explained/accepted/forgiven.

I've only been on medication once, and did so because the affects of depression were impacting my work-life. Even though I've facilitated/manifested a lot of sh*tty stuff in my life, my work-life is where I find solace. This may seem strange to some people. Others find work to be a necessary evil or a chore. I find work to be creative and fun. So, it is really quite frustrating when my depression heavily bleeds over to the one place of peace that I have.

It occurs to me that there is an 'average' measure of quality of life. My average is inching up in a spiral that repetitively spins from low to high and back. I suppose I am frustrated with the pace of the improvement and really quite scared of the depths I occasionally sink to. Is it enough for the average to be improving when I feel like I am slowly dying?

I don't self-medicate with the conventional methods. My only true vices are caffeine and excessive kitty-cat petting. The reluctance I have for self-medication probably carries over too OTC medications. However, I really believe that my lack of action results from the shadow of my death wish. I don't 'take care' of myself so I can check-out in a societally acceptable way. There are things I could do for myself to improve my long-term health. I seem to resist these. The momentary depression surely is a factor. It is difficult to take a vitamin supplement for future health when all a person wants to do is end things today. However, I am concerned that my lack of desire to take care of myself is foundational, resisting even the 'good days' of my life.

Here is the question... what is a practical indication that prescription medication of depression is a must? Will medication facilitate my state of mind so I will take better care of myself? Does the typical medication affect the "don't want to be here period" type feelings? I suspect therapy is necessary for this foundational issue. Anyway, your thoughts are appreciated!
Tags: depression, medication
Subscribe

  • Poem -Set a Sentence

    The poem “Set a Sentence” was inspired by a Facebook posting that stated, “when people my age are all afraid of the world that…

  • Poem - Beyond the Dance

    The poem “Beyond the Dance” is about striving to live beyond the normative. Beyond the Dance Seek a life beyond the dance that span of…

  • Poem - Tradition Tossed

    The poem “Tradition Tossed” is about the suffocation of traditions. Tradition Tossed Where chains of rules are applied to the limbs of…

  • Post a new comment

    Error

    default userpic
    When you submit the form an invisible reCAPTCHA check will be performed.
    You must follow the Privacy Policy and Google Terms of use.
  • 15 comments

  • Poem -Set a Sentence

    The poem “Set a Sentence” was inspired by a Facebook posting that stated, “when people my age are all afraid of the world that…

  • Poem - Beyond the Dance

    The poem “Beyond the Dance” is about striving to live beyond the normative. Beyond the Dance Seek a life beyond the dance that span of…

  • Poem - Tradition Tossed

    The poem “Tradition Tossed” is about the suffocation of traditions. Tradition Tossed Where chains of rules are applied to the limbs of…