What am I really angry about?
What is the problem, and whose problem is it?
How can I sort out who is responsible for what?
How can I learn to express my anger in a way that will not leave me feeling helpless and powerless?
When I am angry, how can I clearly communicate my position without becoming defensive or attacking?
What risks and losses might I face if I become clearer and more assertive?
If getting angry is not working for me, what can I do differently?
How to Clarify My Anger
1. What about this situation makes me angry?
2. What is the real issue here?
3. Where do I stand?
4. What do I want to accomplish?
5. Who is responsible for what?
6. What specifically, so I want to change?
7. What are the things I will and will not do?
Things to keep in mind when I am angry
Do speak up when an issue is important to me.
Don’t strike while the iron is hot.
Don’t used below the belt tactics: blaming, interpreting, diagnosing, labeling, analyzing, preaching, moralizing, ordering, warning, interrogating, ridiculing, lecturing, don’t put the other person down.
Do speak in I language.
Don’t make vague statements or requests.
Do try to appreciate the fact that people are different.
Don’t participate in intellectual arguments that go nowhere.
Do recognize that each person is responsible for his or her own behavior.
Don’t tell another person what she or he things or feels or “should” think or feel.
Do try to avoid speaking through a third party.
Don’t expect change to come about from hit – and – run confrontations.
Take responsibility for my part for maintaining patterns that evoke anger.
1. If you are angry with someone that is the person you should tell.
2. If I am angry, speak in my own voice. Don’t bring in an anonymous 3rd party. Say: I feel, I want, etc.
3. Avoid secrets, distinguish between secret and private.
4. Don’t become the third party in someone else’s triangle.
5. Don’t use the child.
6. Keep communications open without inviting others to blame or take sides.