Big Rowan Ackison (greensh) wrote,
Big Rowan Ackison

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A Bitter and Not Yet Useful Realization

I realized tonight what one of my base dynamics is. I seem to be most shaken up when I feel that I disappoint people. Shaken up means that I chastise myself and sink into some measure of suicidal depression. Very odd. I don't seem to react this way when people are "angry" at me for not achieving their anticipated goals. Instead, disappointment seems to mean something else. I don't know... this is vaguely irrational. I believe that this was the "button" pushed in the past, and one that I had largely put aside from past triggers. Now I know what the button is, but don't understand, and I'm not sure how to really avoid it in the future.

Two steps forward, one step back.

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