Big Rowan Ackison (greensh) wrote,
Big Rowan Ackison
greensh

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Just One Last Question... I mean Blog... About Goren

Another flashback to 2007.  This one may escape those who didn't watch the original Law and Order series... but I still find it incredibly amusing and hope you might also!

From 2007...

Law and Order: Criminal Intent is an American crime drama television series set in New York City that premiered on September 30, 2001. The show features a pair of detectives, Robert Goren and Alexandra Eames. The really interesting character is Goren. From Wikipedia:

Goren is a quirky yet extraordinarily intelligent investigator and criminal profiler, known for his instinct and insight. Often, Gore’s intuition turns out to be the case-breaker, rather than solid evidence (which is usually the case in the other two series). Each episode, Goren typically employs his knowledge of an unusually wide range of topics, from theoretical physics to (multiple) foreign languages. Goren once served in the Criminal Investigation Division, stationed in Germany and South Korea. The Bobby Goren character is very reminiscent of Sherlock Holmes; he notices tiny — yet important — details ignored by others, and has broad encyclopedic knowledge. Frequently, Goren obtains crucial information and confessions by psychologically manipulating and provoking suspects, and suspects' associates.

This synopsis of Goren is an understatement of the character. Watching the show is sometimes a pleasure. Often it is an eye-rolling experience as Goren bounces from amazing logic leap to amazing logic leap. It's almost like a train wreck. I just can't avert my eyes. I have compiled the following list from the hours of "research" I've spent with this television series:

IF YOU ARE GOREN
1) You know everything.
2) You will lie, cheat, and generally mind-screw the perps.
3) Nobody understands you. This is a good thing.
4) You are the love child of Columbo, Hannibal Lector, and Perry Mason.

IF YOU ARE ALEXANDRA
1) You will be as deceitful as Goren, but in a much less evil way.
2) You will "mistakenly" bring co-conspirators in the "wrong" room at the right time to confront each other.

IF YOU ARE A WITNESS
1) You can be completely candid with Goren. Inwardly reflective nods of the head, staring into space, and out-of-nowhere questions are normal for Goren.

IF YOU ARE THE PERP
1) Assume that Goren is being EVIL and DEVIOUS.
2) Know that nothing is dropped or presented by accident.
3) Don't look Goren in the eyes. Don't talk to Goren.
4) Goren will outwit you if you talk. Silence is your only protection.
5) The only way to beat Goren is to have all your coconspirators kill themselves while you don't say anything.
6) If Alexandra and Goren "show up" at your home or place of business, look in the hallway or outside the building. If you see cops there, walk out of the building and drive directly to your lawyer's office. Do not talk to Goren. Do not look at anything he is carrying. Do not answer his inane questions.
7) Only allow Goren into a business/residence when he has a search warrant. Do not accept any of his lies about dropping something off, needing to use the phone, wanting to see your stamp collection, etc..
8) If you are offered a car ride by Goren, NEVER accept..
9) Always be naked, you would not BELIEVE what GOREN can deduce from what you are wearing - Goren could probably divine your heritage, blood type, percent body fat, and if you are a Nazi bisexual transgendered transvestite midget lover.
10) If Goren says that he just wants to tie up a few loose ends, it is probably YOU that he wants to tie up.
11) NEVER EVER trust Goren when he says that a coconspirator gave you up.
12) NEVER EVER talk about family issues with Goren. He will break your spirit and you will confess.
13) NEVER EVER trust Goren when he says anything at all.
14) Repeat after me, NEVER EVER trust Goren.
15) Goren is the DEVIL.

IF YOU ARE THE PERP'S LAWYER
1) NEVER EVER allow your client to be alone with Goren.
2) Club your client if they attempt to talk to Goren after the "interrogation is over". The interrogation is NEVER EVER over.
3) Get a very large retainer, up front. Your client is going down.



Tags: detective, funny, goren
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