Big Rowan Ackison (greensh) wrote,
Big Rowan Ackison

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An A-Ha

I had an interesting a-ha today.

I've previously figured out that buying new things would not make me happier. Just having things does not equal enjoyment. Now, I buy things (mostly!) because of a hobbies or an interest. "No"s come much easier nowadays for those impulse buys. This I already knew.

Here's the big a-ha I got today. I figured out that I keep difficult things in my life so I can convince myself that those events add to my unhappiness. I know... this sound weird, but allow me to explain. Being unhappy feeds my depression and despair. Properly sated, these give me comfort that I am sad because of external things. The thing REALLY going on is that I have a fear of moving forward. I am fearful that I will not have happiness or I'll be called to do something bigger than me or something else.

These thoughts lead me to thoughts about my past and future. The buying new things has also been put into a new light. I was not looking for these things to make me happy. I was instead looking to them to distract me. Well, I outsmarted myself. I'm not willing to distract myself with the fun things, unless you count watching "Law and Order: Criminal Intent" on the TIVO. There is a future waiting for me, or better yet, I am capable of a fuller now. I am capable of a NOW (more) free of distractions and purposeful fears. Will this future bring me happiness? Perhaps. I don't think this is the goal anymore. What is the goal? I think it has to do something about having an impact both on the world and on myself.

What waits for me after I stop pretending that I am the victim? What is my "purpose" after this self-imposed period of non-activity? Stay tuned... I'm sure I'll blog about it.
Tags: drama, life

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